Didn’t
we have fun with our loving pets when they were alive? Sure we did and that’s
why, when a cherished pet dies we experience an awful, empty void filled with
nothing but the longing to have our pet back with us. It makes no difference if
we’re talking about a dog, cat, hamster, bird, rabbit, horse or any other
loving pet or if we lost our pet to a prolonged illness; a sudden injury, or the
pet’s old age. Nor does it make any difference if an act of God or a serious
change in your life – such as a severe illness – requires moving you
into some place that prohibits pets. Whatever the reason, including pets that
have run away or been stolen; when we lose a pet, we grieve. Psychologists
have found that the grief over the loss of a pet can easily equal the loss of a
child. While alive, our pets are a part of us and the deprivation of that
companion who was our best friend, our confidante, always there, loyal and true,
can leave many of us at a significant loss since one of the most important
emotional anchors of our life is gone. I
have experienced the personal loss of many loving pets and overcame the ensuing
grief using a process that I will soon share with you. Because of and through my
pet memorial business, I’ve counseled many other grieving pet owners in person
and through letters and emails. The cumulative experience I’ve gained on how
to deal with the loss of a beloved pet works. I’m not a professional pet
bereavement counselor but I will try to offer you friendly, well-meaning advice
with the hope it will give you some direction and measure of help on how best to
cope with your loss. If my ideas and suggestions still don’t help you it may
be time for you to see a pet
bereavement counselor or your veterinarian. A. INTRODUCTION We
are all different and so are pets. So there is no one answer to overcoming grief
that will work for everyone. One thing I will share with you now is that healing
takes time. How much time? According to feedback I’ve gotten from our
customers and professional
pet grief counselors it is known that grief doesn’t run on a schedule. As a
matter of fact the whole healing process can be compared to the length of a
piece of string; it is always as long as beginning to end. Some
things that determine how fast you will heal and love again will be the
relationship you had with your pet, your personality, your outlook on life, what
happened to your pet, what type of resting place and memorials you’ll choose,
how you avail yourself of support groups, books, information and the multitude
of other healing resources. Although
I can try to aid you and point you in the right direction, it’s up to you to
decide what’s right for you. I will also offer some solace to
those who are facing the prospect of a
loss of pet in the near future. B. THE
5 STEPS TO UNDERSTANDING AND OVERCOMING GRIEF Let’s
begin by trying to understand the multi-dimensional agony called grief. How
one grieves and finds ways to cope with a loss of a loving pet can bring one
closer to the day when memories bring smiles instead of tears. So, in simple
terms, there is unanimity of opinion from pet bereavement
counselors, veterinarians and psychologists
that there are five steps from shock to happiness that everyone goes through.
First I’ll list them and then expand upon each of them. I. Denial/Shock/Disbelief II. Anger III. Bargaining IV.
Depression V. Acceptance/Resolution/Recovery I. Denial Denial
is our mind’s buffer against a sharp emotional blow. Denial is a pet owner’s
initial response when confronted with a pet’s terminal condition or sudden
death. This rejection of death seems to be nature’s way of offering us
protection until we can realize and cope with our loss. When
our relationship with our pet was sincere and bonding we will be shocked over
its death or loss. Shock is a normal, natural reaction. Human feelings towards
their departed pets are so special that pet bereavement
counselors have a term for that relationship: “The
human-companion animal bond”. When this relationship is severed, the sense
of loss can be overwhelming; and we grieve. Regardless
of how and why the pet is gone, we are devastated and left with only an
emptiness that we may choose not to accept. If you don’t accept your pet's
departure you are in denial and not accepting the fact that your pet won’t
greet you when you come home, or that it doesn’t need its evening meal. I know
of pet owners who carry this to extremes, fearing that their pet is still alive
and suffering somewhere. Others find it hard to get a new pet for fear of being
“disloyal” to the old.
II. Anger In
the immediate aftermath of true sadness we get angry. This anger may be
directed at the illness that killed your pet, the person who left the gate open
when the dog ran away, the driver of the speeding car, the rescue shelter that was less than truthful
about your pet’s past, family members, friends,
or a veterinarian who “failed” to save its life. Regardless
of whether true or false, such recriminations do little to relive your grief We
can all recognize anger such as in hostility or aggression but how we deal with
it varies by individuals. Anger often turns inward; emerging as guilt and an
endless number of “If onlys” Anger hinders the healing process and distracts
you from the important task of resolving your grief.
III. Bargaining As
we progress through the process of grieving there is much documentation that
shows some pet caregivers may try bargaining with a higher power, themselves, or
even their pet to restore life. Hoping that a pet might recover from a serious
illness and impending death often fosters “bargaining” reactions and some
sacrifice like, “If Rover recovers, I’ll never skip his regular walk . . .
never put him in a kennel when I go on vacation . . . , never . . .
IV. Depression/Guilt Shakespeare
said it best: Nothing is good or bad, only thinking makes it so. How you think about your
loss therefore can help you avoid depression or push you into it. Recognize
that depression is a natural consequence of grief, so to properly deal with
guilt and depression you’ll need to climb out of the wallowing self-pity shell
you’re in and seek the support of family, friends and support groups. Empathy
from others who understand pet loss is a most important trait to seek out and
sadly, it’s one of the most difficult things to find because people, unless
they are the ones closest to you, really don’t want to be around a depressed
individual. So
there you have it, don’t expect society to offer you a great deal of sympathy.
You’ll even have people who will unknowingly hurt you with thoughtless
statements such as, “It’s only a cat. You can always get another one.”
Such a statement would never reach your ears if it were the loss of a human
friend or family member. Still, I guarantee someone will say something similar
to you. So prepare yourself for it and decide now how you will react if you ever
hear it..
Avoid
escalating your guilt to where it becomes extreme
depression and robs you of motivation and energy that will cause you to wallow in
your sorrow. That’s why you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and
realize that unchecked depression can move you to
a point where it hinders the resolution of your grief leaving you
powerless to cope with your feelings. Easier said then done, but it’s what you
have to try to do. Don’t
think that if you aren’t suffering over your pet’s death, it means that
you’ve turned your back on your pet; betrayed them and forgotten him or her. If
you truly loved your pet then make a promise that you will never forget. Then,
when you're ready actuate that promise with a suitable memorial (more on that
later). You
are not alone with your feelings of grief. Gain strength and learn from
thousands of other pet owners who experienced similar strong feelings and
survived. You need to go on with life and try not to burden yourself with guilt
for any accident or illness that claimed your pet’s life. Time is a wonderful
healer so it’s kind of pointless and often erroneous to blame yourself for
things you didn’t do. V. Acceptance/Resolution/Recovery Think
of this as you look for the light at the end of the tunnel. People generally
love their pets and consider them members of their family. Pets are a source of
comfort and companionship so we celebrate their birthdays, talk to them and
carry pictures of them in our wallets. So when your beloved pet went over the rainbow
bridge, it’s not unusual to feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your
sorrow and devastated by the loss of your relationship. Your
pet provided you with emotional support, acceptance, companionship and
unconditional love during the time s/he shared with you. If you understand and
accept this bond between you and your pet, you’ve already taken the first step
toward coping with your loss – knowing that when your pet died it was okay for
you to grieve. Forget
those people who don’t understand your bond with your pet because they may not
understand your pain. All that matters, however, is how you
feel. Don’t let others dictate your feelings: How you feel is a valid response
to your loss and may be extremely painful. So don’t let anyone tell you you're
being silly, crazy, or overly sentimental. Healing
begins when you realize that you have a right to feel pain and grief. The pet
you loved has died, and you have the right to feel alone and bereaved; to feel
anger and guilt. First, acknowledge those feelings, then, ask yourself whether
the circumstances actually justify them. This may also help you; Many pet owners attest that some type of pet memorial helped them through the grieving process. So, try to express your feelings by writing down poems, stories, or letters to your deceased pet and tastefully displaying memorabilia. Another valid thing to do is to rearrange your schedule to fill in the times you would have spent with your pet. Acceptance and the ability to love again will occur when you finally admit to your loss and remember your pet with decreasing sadness. Remember, not everyone follows these classic stages of grief — some may skip or repeat a stage, or experience the stages in a different order.
I
hope the ideas contained in this message helped you
© forever my pet™, All rights reserved, 2010 |
Denial is none productive and delays true healing. Hard as it may seem to you
now, one day you will accept your loss because your pet would have wanted it
that way. Your cherished pet never
wanted to hurt you or see you cry. Even now, it still wants you to love. So love
again you must.
